I am feeling rather overwhelmed at the moment. No things have changed in the recent week, but overall, I see a lot of things that I wish to change, resolve...figure out. It's good to live in the moment, and experience life in it's fullness, but when I pull back and look at life in a larger scale...it scares me.
Life is so gorgeous. But also dark. I struggle to find answers for important things. And in the end, all of this is so teeny-tiny. Like the tip of a pin in a universe of stars. It makes me want to break down in tears, sometimes. If only this tear-streaked refuge could create a sense of understanding. Tears do, however, tend to release a lot of frustration. For me, anyway.
I miss Tyron. He died this time last year. Sad, I can't remember the exact date, but it happened in the days following my birthday. He took his own life...out of fear. But I understand. I understand his fear. This journey is so damn personal. His life, my life...two individuals. Two tiny pin-tips swimming up stream.
I have a specific childhood memory of Tyron that has stuck in my mind. Or, not so much a memory, but a snap shot in time. The image is the way he would lean his chair on two hind legs against the wall. His head tipped back, balancing and smiling at me. We were talking about teenage things. He wore a cap, baggy clothes and white trainers. As we grew, we both found better fashion sense.
In those few years between being teens and grown adults, we both found our way a little more. But he always had that toothy-smile, and called me "Truax", and would complain when I would remind him of funny childhood-type-memories.
Aside from thoughts of Ty, I struggle with daily things. The main struggle is to remember that I am not alone...that life is a struggle for pretty much everyone. And this is also not comforting. So, I go back and forth between the two.
And as I sit here, wrapping my mind around all that is lived and lost, I push myself to, at the very least, work my ass off and love with my entire body. After all, it's my own free will to make this teeny-tiny life something to smile about.