Growing

Moving to New York has forced me to grow up in such a way that I didn't realize it was happening. It's been happening right under my goddamn nose. After 9 months of getting some solid ground, I feel an unusual discomfort that I consider to be the feeling of learning.

Although I have written a lot about my experiences, and seem to take a lot from things as they inspire me, a lot of things also go unnoticed.

I have absolutely made some wildly huge mistakes and failed miserably at plenty of things. But today, I came to a conclusion. Hey, I am really proud of myself. I learned so much about myself in my own stupidity and kind of like the route I'm on.

But since I have been in New York, I noticed something about myself that I never knew before. I am very protective of myself against outside harm. Which is fine to a certain degree, but sometimes this reaction causes conflict with others. When I feel hurt, unappreciated, unloved, taken advantage of, etc, etc, I put up a guard that comes off as cold, or condescending. It's a weird place for me to be in, because when I feel loved and nurtured, I have so much warmth to share.

This behavior is something I plan on observing in the near future. Maybe next time I feel hurt by someone, instead of retreating, maybe I can approach the situation with an open heart and willingness to grow from it. Rather than point a finger and cry, "You don't like me, you hurt me!"

I'm so glad I have learned this today. I feel like knowing this about myself will allow me to become a better person and less judgemental of myself, in general.

I begin my new job next week. My new job in fashion in New York City. This is a wonderful career opportunity for me in my new city. I think this new personal observation will help set me up for success. Knowledge is power and my reactions to my insecurities have been making my life more difficult. I'm going to go ahead and free myself from the cold armor and relax and apply my talent.

Hello fresh start...you have given me a chance to grow.