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Sunday, December 25, 2011

Peaceful thoughts on Christmas

I am overwhelmed with the beauty of today. The friendly faces of my loved ones dance around in my mind the same way comforting memories warm my heart.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about my mom. The way her smile makes a busy room stand still. She has a flawless way of nurturing me from 3000 miles away and reminds me every day that I always have a matter where I am in the world, or no matter what kind of trouble I've gotten myself into. There is no judgement with my mom. She is understanding, supportive and kind.

Mom is spending Christmas with her partner Albert in Las Vegas, this year. Which is so awesome! She has spent many holiday's traveling to visit family and little time giving herself the opportunity to explore her own life and desires. My mom is a sensual woman...she loves the ocean and music, and has never asked me for anything in my entire life. I have never gotten any real sense of her struggles. She has the strongest character in anyone I've ever met. I am so thankful for her- it could bring me to tears.

And I think about my sister...who has undeniably been my biggest critic and my biggest support system, too. I have sobbed my brains out simply because she was disapproving of my choices. Her opinion has always been important to me, no matter how much I claimed to not care. When I married Kyle, she was the most vocal against it. She saw my talent, my life, my dreams and my beauty being stifled by a bad person. I didn't see it this way, of course, and fought her on it. My choices have always put pressure on our relationship. But she continued to love me. And it wasn't that long ago when I feel like we finally came to a meeting point. Perhaps it was my 20's to 30's change over? Maybe my move to New York? Something grew and changed and has allowed her to be more accepting of me, and me of her, too. Or perhaps sometimes people just need to feel their own struggles to understand the struggles of others?

My sister is the smartest person I know. Whenever I have a question or need advice, she is who I call. She knows everything!!! And is always looking out for me...for what will help me in the short and long term. This support she gives to me is irreplaceable. Shannon in my rock, and I am so grateful for her.

It's not as hard as I thought it would be...all being apart for the holiday's this year. However, I do have a trip home to Seattle already booked for late January. So I suspect that has relieved a lot of the tension...knowing I'll be home soon. I had a couple nights last week that were difficult, I missed the familiarity of Seattle, the power of numbers in friends and of course the much needed time with mom and sis, specifically. I got through it, but cried a lot and slept a lot. I'm glad that passed.

I've been writing in My Urban Body for a couple years...and with another year coming to an end, I can't help but reflect on the recent and distant past. I read Skeletons today, which was my first post here. I remember at the time I was finally coming to a comfortable place in my heart. I had struggled so much with the torment of my ex husband and constant fear of never leaving that behind, that I had to make a conscious choice to live my life the way I see myself, and the way I wanted to live it. I feel this blog has given me the opportunity to explore my actual thoughts, and touch base with what life is all about. The power of free will and self expression, and of course these things are webbed into the choices other people make. This place I come to write has really given me perspective on myself...from the outside looking in at times, and from the inside bursting out into the world around me.

I feel peaceful today. I'm thankful for this time of the year...

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